Your Future, Ahead!

Two weeks ago about 10pm, I was sitting on the sofa in the living room at home, resting, waiting to go to bed. My son was cooking his dinner (I told him I wasn't cooking for him in February) and his phone rang. He came to the living room to collect his phone and it was his dad. Shortly afterwards his phone powered out and he asked if he could use my phone to call his dad. I didn't have any issues with that, so I said, 'sure!'

He took the phone, called his dad and went to the kitchen, continued his cooking while talking to my ex. Usually when at home, most of the time we put our phones on speaker when speaking with people (there's no rule about that but we just feel comfortable doing it). So, I was hearing the conversation.

The conversation went as below:

Son: 'Good evening dad, how are you?'

Ex: 'Fine.' How are you?

Son: 'I'm fine. How is your health?'

Ex: 'I'm fine.'

Son: 'What have you been doing today? Did you go out?'

Ex: 'I'm doing well. I went out and got back not long ago. And...'

Son: 'Oh! Okay, that's good that you went out.'

Ex: 'What are you doing?'

Son: 'I'm cooking. I'm just making my dinner.'

Ex: 'You're just making dinner at 10pm. Isn't that late? Why didn't you make it earlier?' 'Did you go to school?'

Son: 'Yes, I went to school. I came back and have just been stretching. I just couldn't be bothered about dinner until now.'

Ex: 'Ehn! Ehn!!'

Afterwards, they talked for about 2 minutes and then both kept quiet on the phone for about another minute. Then my son said, 'I called earlier just to check on you, to see you are doing well. ' Ex: 'Okay! Thank you.'

Son: ''I got to go now and finish with my food.'

Ex: 'Okay, son. Have a lovely night. Thanks for checking.'

I was actually listening to this conversation from the living room without saying a word. And I just began to think, what if I had not allowed my kids to see their dad after all the years that he abandoned them? Oh! He abandoned them for years that my son was asking at some point that he wanted to see his dad. This man did me so much wickedness that some people advised me that I should not allow him to see the kids. Some even told me not to collect anything from him for the kids. But I thank GOD for my mum and my spiritual father (blessed memory).

Both of them told me that I must allow the kids see their dad whenever he wants to see them and even if all he gives is £20 for their upkeep I should collect it. This was a time that I was seriously bitter and they both gave this advise at two different times.

When I was also working in Lewisham (with some perfect humans. Lovely peoples!), one wonderful lady did not let me rest until I applied for child maintenance. She was like, 'Kemi, is your husband (we weren't divorced then) contributing anything for your kids?' I said, 'NO.' Alicia probed me well until she discovered I was scared to apply for child maintenance as I knew what my husband would do. This lovely woman said, 'Kemi, he won't do anything.' She was on my case until I applied for the child maintenance.

I was just thinking that night on my sofa, 'what if I had continued to hold unto the bitterness and passed it unto my children and listened to the people that told me to cut him off their lives?' 'What if I never allowed my children to see their dad and I poisoned their hearts against him?' I would be a liar if I said I didn't tell them some of the things that he did and more over, they saw it themselves. He did it to them as well.

Until 2024 when he took ill to the point of death, my son always called him 'that man. Mr D....' He treated my son, especially, badly, even when he was in secondary school. He once slapped my son in broad day light, in Stratford; in front of people. He had slapped my daughter in front of his visitors before and would always put his family over his own kids. (I would also be a liar if I said that since my daughter entered secondary school my ex had not been taking some of the financial responsibility. The kids went to school outside London and he bought their termly train ticket and paid for school dinners in addition to the child maintenance (though he fought me severally to go remove his name from the child maintenance register)). My son has a big mouth like me and I would always tell him, 'just make sure your dad does not say anything bad, like curse, to you.' 'Always watch yourself with that man. You know he gets angry very easily.'

When my son started calling him 'that man, Mr D...' I kept telling him he had to forgive. I kept telling my kids they have to forgive him, as I know what unforgiveness does to the unforgiving. It was as though GOD used my ex's sickness as a wake up call for all of us - my ex, my kids and even me. We realised that life is indeed transient and we are all here by the mercies of GOD. My ex lives alone. During his sickness, myself and the kids supported as best as we could. We even offered for him to come stay with us so that we could care for him well, which he declined.

It amazed me the way GOD melted my son's heart and my daughter's in the last two years. And my ex's as well. He realised that these are the only children that he has. At over 60 years, he's not getting any younger. I have forgiven, though forgiveness is not us getting back together (that would never happen), but the whole experience melted all of us again.

Two weeks ago, I was just thinking during that conversation, 'what if I had not given space for forgiveness?' 'What if I had not allowed those kids see their dad?'

When they were small, they would go and visit him and his mum would be at his and would be wicked to my kids, especially my daughter. Over and over, I didn't want my kids to go to him but my mum would say, 'let them go there. He's their father. They won't kill them.' 'If they did anything sinister to the kids, they will suffer it themselves.' 'Let them go!'

It always annoyed me when my mum said that but I always listened to her.

That night, on that sofa, listening to that conversation, I was like, 'wow! Is this what the LORD had been doing all along?' I couldn't have given them another father. There's the position of the father in a child's life and there is the position of the mother. I couldn't in a billion years be their dad. And I always told them I wanted them to see their dad and be proud of him, proud to introduce him as their dad.

That night summed it up for me (so far). If that was all that I gained for all the pain that man caused me, that my children would not be carrying an unnecessary weight of shame, guilt and unforgiveness; then I have achieved a lot.

Did I do it in my strength? No. Was I bitter for a very long time? Absolutely yes. Did I use some chapters in the book of Psalms (Psalms is a book in the Bible) to pray for him and his mother? Heaven, yes!!! But I am glad that GOD is not a hired assassin. I'm glad GOD, in His love and kindness, saw beyond my feelings and grief and He held me close. He thought about my kids and His eternal purpose. He saw even my ex in His eternal purpose. And He didn't react like I reacted, punishing my ex husband.

Two weeks ago, on my sofa, after listening to that conversation between my ex and my son, all I could say was, 'Thank you Jesus!'